Trauma by HSG

Happy Friday!

I took the whole morning today, thinking of the best sentence should i put here.

Sesungguh nya Allah Maha Besar, ini adalah bahagian utk saya

(reminder:this entry might be too long..)

My HSG procedure did not turn well

We arrived at Klinik Daya early in the morning, around 7.50am..

just to ensure any unexpected circumstances

Park at Metro Parking which charged us RM4.00 per hour.

While waiting the clinic's operations hour, kami jalan2 sekitar bangunan DBKL sambil beli light breakfast

Of course la saya takde selera untuk makan

Around 8.10am, i went to the toilet utk masukkan ubat Voltaren Supp which 1 of the reader told me it is to help reduce our pain.

Fortunately it was an easy process

Then i go to the clinic, to check if i can wait inside the clinic (i refer to sum1's entry on this as well)

Bear in mind, there is no chair provided outside the clinic

Be it in DBKL's receiptionist or at pathway

The only area is at bus stand in front of the building

Nasib baik nurse tuh bagi masuk

At that time, we are the only and 1st patient

In my mind.."owh..takde org.boleh je kot datang lambat td..."(underestimate ok :))

We give the appointment letter and wait

The doctor arrived around 8.40am and my name was called at 8:55am

I changed my skirt and panties with robe provided

Siap salah pakai lg...hihihi

Then baring kat atas katil besi and wait for the doctor

rase nye 20-30 min i kena tunggu dia.

when he came,dia "proses" kan bwh kite tuh

Initially i don't felt any pain..because it feels like during my Pap Smear test

lama2..dah start rasa tak selesa, senak and pain

he took a very long time to ensure the equipment get in my womb (correct me if i'm wrong)

he's not rough doing his job but it's really painful

he keep saying..bukaan sempit,cannot go through

at that time i tried my best to give full cooperation..jgn keraskan badan!

then he started stress.he asked for break and will call me again

changed to my cloth..pakai pad

dekat robe tuh ada kena darah i sikit

i keluar2 tgk ramai gile patient tengah menunggu

when i saw my husband's face,terus rasa nak menangis

my hub ajak borak kt luar..then i cerita sambil nangis2

he advised me, if i can't bear it anymore then we just stop

i didn't agree..i'm already halfway and i won't give as that early

after 15 min, my name was called again

this time lebih lama

i can see doktor hampir putus asa

me also start crying sambil baca doa tak putus2

it feels like i was there for the whole day

seksanya hanya Allah je yang tau

conclusion..he already used 3 methods to do the procedure and finally he has some findings

after the session end,i asked from the nurse to give me 2 days mc because i become traumatized 

it's really painful

although the doctor and nurse give compliment for my patience during the procedure being done

actually, for normal process saya just kena ambil result and refer to Klinik Hamid Arshat

but since i'm a special case, the doctor would like to have consultation with me

he said that he did not satisfied with the earlier result

after had longer thought, he found the answer

my tubes were blocked..both of them!

but since he's not O&G doc,so leave it to Dr. Hamid to advise

we went to Klinik Dr. Hamid after we had lunch at Sogo (sempat lunch je)

sampai klinik during lunch hour and need to wait

when the times come, we're the 1st patient as well

Dr Hamid takde,ade emergency case kat Hospital Pantai

so i proceed with Dr. Aimy je

 Dr Aimy pelik my tubes were blocked because i got pregnant just a year ago

how it did happened..Allah je yang tau

if dia tau,awl2 lg dia dh start suruh buat HSG test

However, she give us 2 options since after scan memang takde fibroid

1) Operation - Laparoskopi, D&C, HSG, implant tube if necessary, cost about RM6-6.5k at klinik hamid.if at Pantai RM9k

2) IVF - RM20k but not guaranteed success

when she explained, i start crying

it was unexpected!

I've never imagine, i'll go through all of this

my husband would like to do another HSG test for 2nd opinion

but doc sympathy to me..i'm suffered!

she asked us to think of it and call back after we make decision

From there, i've already found my ultimate goal

i want to cure my root problem and operation is the best

my husband give the 3rd option which adopting child

but i refused

i want my own babies selagi i boleh

i understand my hub's concern

he doesn't me to suffer or in pain

now, we're finalizing the date

takut memang takut...sangat2

but i've to sacrifice and redha dengan ujian Allah

if this jalan yang saya kena tempuh to get babies, i will

i know there are thousand couples yang facing bigger problem than mine

it's just how we manage it

Ya Allah, give me strength to go through all of these

Coming up next..HSG

This morning i went to klinik hamid..dah called few days ago tanya what to do next.

so nurse suruh dtg klinik, amik surat and ubat.

so pagi tadi meredah hujan dan jem yg tak berkesudahan..:p

sampai sana,kt luar dh nmpk banyak gile kasut..masuk2,sah..ramai org!

since not plan to meet any doctor, so i met 1 of the staff

when she checked,rupa nya my referral letter tak siap lg

so kena tunggu japppppp...

when she called,dia tunjuk surat and brief direction to klinik daya

satu hape pun tak masuk dalam kepala saya

because i can't imagine it (saya memang buta sikit jalan2 KL,except jalan2 yg dah biasa lalu)

my appointment is next week, day 10

after dh dpt result HSG,kena terus dtg klinik hamid

then dia tnjk ubat plakkk

"yang nih u kena masukkan 30 min before start HSG.."

"nk masuk kat mane?"

"kt dubur.."

"whattttt?"

"iyer...u jgn masukkan dalam vagina plak"

"errr...sakit tak?..mcm mane nak tau benda nih dh betul2 masuk?"

"ala...buat mcm masuk ubat dlm baby kalo demam tuh.u g toilet..basahkan sikit tablet nih ngan air then u masukkan.since tak biasa then memang akan rasa tak selesa sikit.tak sakit pun..."

"(gulp)...ok"

seriau..pengsan!!

and then dia tunjukkan another ubat utk tahan sakit after HSG and ubat ponstan if continous sakit

total cost today adalah RM21

lupa nk tanya cost utk HSG nnt

my plan now is..if everything ok,saya nak stop dulu from any medication

untill 1 time saya ready for iui

but tak tau la kalo tibe2 berubah hati after dengar advice doc

on hubby's side,he'll always support my decision

because he believed,i'm the one yang akan tanggung efek nya..

more than him

now saya kena google more on HSG

till then..

daaa..

Shocked!

Quick update..

failed again...musnah harapan kami husband and wife kali nih!CD30 saya period.saya jangka kan dalam next weel.x sangka cepat plak..hasil dr clomid.terkejut betul saya..dh la husband tiada di sisi..sesungguhnya saya memang kecewa yang amat sangat.perasaan nye seolah2 sama ketika saya miscarriage dlu.setitik-2 mata sempat turun ketika saya inform husband through gchat.malu la nk menangis kt opis.tp sampai rumah..hati saya jadi mcm nk pecah.saya menangis semahu2nya sorang2..ditemani kain pelekat husband (husband mmg selalu tglkan any last pakaian utk dijadikan pengubat rindu saya).lpas tuh baru saya rasa lega..how i wish my hub blk malaysia cepat2!:(

so back to fresh again.mlm nih akan start makan clomid and akan call klinik hamid arshat for appointment.start smlm mcm undecided balik whether proceed tros with iui or not.iui dlu atau hsg dlu?what do u think?

last few days Groupon ada wat Promo Philip Avent punye botol susu.at 1st i ignore je..but then suddenly my husband informed me about it (he assumed saya x aware about the promo).so yesterday i asked him..what's his purpose?is it he want to propose it to my sister or wat..he said he wants to buy it for us.i like...what?speechless sgt2.selama nih saya jela mcm terover beria sikit kalo psl beli menda2 nih especially when it comes to psl baby.but yg nih..dia yg proposed,it's unbelievable!he said..murah and dia kan stingy sket!hahaha.so,saya akan tgk balik offer tuh today..and buy it if ok.well,benda blh thn lama..if xde tanda2 lgsg then we can give it to somebody else.

ok...got to go back to work.quick update la sgt kan!i've so many things on my plate right now..Ya Allah..permudahkan la urusan kami.camne nk pregnant kalo stress camniii...

daaaa...

Bring it on!

After genap 2 bulan since my last period,akhir nye miss P gagahkan diri menonjolkan muka pada saya last 2 days.itu pun malu2 ayam je nak kuar..pagi detect kuar,tgh hari still mcm x konfiden period ke tak..malam,heavy terus!hahaha.since this cycle paling lama ever,symptom sakit nak period tuh sangatla menyeksakan..lebih sakit berbanding dlu.badan rasa bloated giler.period pun mcm tak cantik sangat..berketul2,more on tisu2 darah berbanding pure cecair darah.sampai pad mcm x membantu sangat.

so,today i dh called klinik hamid arshat utk tvs appointment.

berdebar2nye rase..this is our 1st time buat treatment seriously.

Ya Allah..kau berikan la kami kemudahan & ketenangan.

Tired..Take a break!

today adalah CD21

saya decide utk berehat seketika dari TTC..sbb semangat sudah mula terasa down.i'm more looking forward utk treatment terus which we decide utk buat once ktorang balik dari beijing nanti.

BD masih mcm biase..tuh t/jawab suami isteri dalam perkahwinan.cuma x strict ikut hari subur la..

penah borak2 with my colleagues..1 guy nih after almost 3 years kawen baru wife dia pregnant.now dh 5 months pun.he advised me do not worry..sometimes it will happen when we never expect it.which it's true..during my last pregnancy,it was unexpected sampaikan we're like tak percaya and macam dalam mimpi plak.when we expect things to happen,we'll be more stressed..

and for that..saya rasa nk berehat sekejap.tp i'll keep updating this blog.sesaja..

wish all TTCians all the best!

How to manage/eat buah zuriat & another advice

Hi peeps!

last saturday saya kuatkan hati untuk wat upt sbb rasa x selesa sgt..rasa x sihat,mood pun x tentu arah..g treatsfair kt midval pun x syok je rasa.u know la sometimes make us act like crazy!:)

so when we went to alamanda utk movie harry potter,senyap2 saya beli upt kit and test it.guess what..it's NEGATIVE.since saya memang dh expect this to be happened,so takde la terasa sangat.cuma saya masih menanti2 why period saya lambat sgt2 sampai..half of myself said..arghh..wat test time senja/too early..memang la jadi 1 line.tapi harapan 10% jela..nk jugaakkk..hehehe.As of today,still tak period..dh menjangkau cycle 46 hari pun.tak pernah2 selewat macam ni.kalau bukan rezeki saya kali ini,harap2 tiada masalah lain plak yang timbul..

haaa..back to the topic.

when i blogwalking today, saya ada terbaca entry pasal strangers yang lebih memahami dari close reatives/friends. i feel the same thing.kadang2 orang yang rapat ni lebih tidak memahami..lidah lebih tajam & x menjaga perasaan bile bercakap dengan kita.saya sedia maklum cuma tahap kesabaran saya ada had nya.orang yang tidak memahami ini sudah saya ceritakan dalam entry yang lepas.kali ini saya nak bercerita the bright story of it plak.

last 2 weeks,saya & husband macam biasa pergi berjalan2 shopping at ikea & the curve.husband dah banyak kali ajak berurut so jumpa la 1 tempat nih.yang jaga front counter is auntie chinese nih (rase nye age dia dlm 50++ kot) and she explained about the package available.saya curious so saje2 tanye..if i'm in process of try to conceive boleh tak?she advice tak. dia kate memang ramai orang melayu yang in process conceive suka berurut tapi dia tak galakkan.i can't remember content advice dia tapi dia kate hanya orang yang expert/specific knowledge je boleh urut for case2 macam nih.and lastly she said.."i harap uol menjadi..".rasa terharu..sampai husband kata confirmed kite akan datang lg 1 day nanti.so now kitorang dah takde diskus2 pasal g massage ke..spa ke..

bila dalam keadaan macam kita,memang akan banyak advice kita terima kan?sampai kadang2 kita xtau which one to follow and we'll try our best to follow all of it semata2 untuk dapat baby.tapi kita hanya merancang..

another story.as i mentioned in previous entry,my MIL ada bawak balik buah zuriat from Mekah and i read a lots of mechanisms untuk makan buah tuh.but,until today buah zuriat tu still tersadai kat dapur. last wekeend,my husband brought me to Habib..for investment kata nya.i terima dengan hati terbuka..of kos la suka!sementara the staff siapkan billing and bersihkan my other jewelries (they did it for free) saya berborak dengan branch manager yang entertain us just now sampai keluar cerita pasal anak and buah zuriat.based on her understanding to the explaination by mat arab was to soak the buah zuriat (buah tuh kan keras ya amat!),bagi dia lembut sikit, after that baru boleh tumbuk.dia kata jangan rebus sebab nanti hilang khasiat.after dh tumbuk halus masukkkan dalam air then baru minum.seems logic but still...tak gerak 1 ape pun lagi..hahaha

takpe2..i jote down this to share dulu.nnt kalau berjaya saya tulis lagi yeee..

wish for miracles..

daaa...

How to handle this kind of people

Hi frens..happy monday morning!

I take so much time since my last post.i don't know why..just blogwalking everyday plus my busy routine work. but incident semalam buatkan saya terasa nak menulis hari nih.terngiang di telinga saya membuatkan saya teringat sampai ke hari ni.saya tak mampu nk tepis apatah lagi memandang mata orang yang suka bertanya soalan2 anak.

being a childless wife is very tough especially for those yg ingin menimang cahaya mata secepat yang boleh.kita bukan sekadar diuji dari dalaman malahan yang lebih teruk secara luaran. tatkala kita boleh mengawal keinginan dalam diri sendiri tapi bisikan2 syaitan luaran ni memang betul2 menguji.

saya dah kehabisan air mata..sudah kontang.saya sudah tak mampu untuk menangis apabila memikirkan perihal anak.saya hanya mampu berusaha..hasil nya di luar bidang kemampuan saya.setiap kali soalan tentang anak keluar,kepala saya akan memikirkan jawapan apa yang sesuai untuk diberikan kepada mereka ini.saya bukan suka2 taknak anak..saya bukan merancang..saya bukan enjoy honeymoon semata.bukan..bukan..dan bukan.malahan sebelum berkahwin dulu saya memang dah berangan-angan untuk bunting pelamin.tapi nan ado..berlalu sepi macam tuh je.

tapi kenapa la orang sekeliling nih susah betul nak faham.apatah lagi saudara mara.even though kalau nak beramah mesra bertanya khabar..it's not the right question to ask.menambahkan gundah gulana hati orang yang menanggung nya.it's acceptable kalo yang belum berkahwin bertanya..sebab diorang tak faham apa lg.same to me before i got married dulu.tapi yang suka bertanya nih jenis2 makcik.

bukan setakat bertanya..

pegang2 perut lg..

komen2 lg..

          "kau bile lg..?macam mana blh takde lg..."

           "yg nih bile plak..?badan dh naik,pipi dh tembam"

           "merancang ke?"

           "korang nih nak honeymoon lame2 yer?"

dan macam2 lah.

kadang2 memang blh senyap n senyum je..tp sampai bile?mulut nih ringan je nak menjawab.lbh2 lagi kalau ada anak buah sekali..lagi rancak la soalan2 tuh.

penah sekali saya geram sangat..saya jwb.."ada,,tapi gugur arituh".terus orang tuh senyap.tapi xkan selama2nya saya nak bagi jawapan tuh.saya tak sanggup nk ingat balik benda sedih macam tuh.

terguris hati saya bukan sekali,berkali2.saya pasti suami pun merasa apa yang saya rasa..cuma lebih ramai orang yang suka bertanyakan kepada saya..argue perkara2 yang tidak sepatut nya dipertikaikan.

nasib baik mertua saya memahami..tak putus2 berikan sokongan dalam diam.setiap kali pulang dari rumah mereka,ada sahaja benda2 yang dibekalkan..jus tok guru la..susu kambing dan baru2 ini mereka bawa pulang buah zuriat sekembalinya dari umrah.

ibu ayah saya juga tak ketinggalan.mereka tempat saya mengadu dan minta pendapat..

namun,kita manusia biasa..kadang2 mereka pun ada terlanjur kata yang buatkan saya terasa.

saya tak mahu mengeluh..dan saya tak mahu terlalu memikirkan nya.tapi jangan lah disebabkan saya kurang bercerita dengan orang sekeliling tentang perasaan saya terhadap hal2 anak ini membuatkan people take for granted.menuduh yang bukan2 dan provoke perasaan kami.akibat terlalu kerap diprovoke menyebabkan lahir nya blog ini. saya x mampu untuk menulis di ruang2 sosial facebook kerana saya tak perlukan simpati..saya hanya perlukan pemahaman dari orang sekeliling. saya pasti hanya orang senasib dengan saya yang akan memahami perasaan kami.

pada fikiran saya,usia dari awal perkahwinan sampai tahun ke-5 adalah crucial utk soalan2 sebegini sbb ia akan jadi meleret.more than that,orang akan tanya dan senyap..

saya percaya Allah dan tentukan yang terbaik untuk kami.dengan tempoh perkenalan kami yang singkat, ini lah takdir yang ditetapkan supaya kami lebih matang dan bersedia sebelum bergelar ibu bapa.harap2 pintu rezeki zuriat akan tetap terbuka untuk kami.

TTC life started

After keguguran last january, i was thinking and read on websites mentioned yang it's more easier to get pregnant again.but i'm wrong.we've tried to do it naturally but no signs..:(.to make it worst,berat badan saya bertambah2.sedangkan amount yg diambil sama je dari sebelum..maybe less. 1 of my friends told me that if kita pernah mengandung then lemak2 memang senang tepu dan susah nak dipecahkan.then i dah start risau..but disiplin still x cukup kuat!hehehe

after 4 months tried to conceive naturally, i started realize yang Allah akhir nya pilih saya untuk jadi salah seorang yang diduga olehNya.saya adalah salah seorang di malaysia yang susah untuk mengandung.saya bukan seperti kawan2 lain yang mudah dikurniakan zuriat.saya redha..tp saya taknak berputus asa..

then i started thinking of to get advice from the doctor again.yela..advice dari segi is it too soon utk start treatment watsoeva.then we went to the same doctor, klinik suraya.bnyk advices & options yg dia bg utk kitorang pilih..

               1) turunkan berat badan

                   yang ini memang saya sedia maklum.saya sendiri risau dengan berat badan sekarang.

               2) go direct to specialist

                   since this klinik has limited kelengkapan,so the doctor ask if ktorang blh g direct ke specialist; 

                   either govt ataupun private.LPPKN should be fine since i'm not ready utk invest tros ke private 

                   sedangkan hasil nya lbh kurang sama.soal cepat atau lambat je.the doctor gave us reference letter 

                   untuk kitorang bawak during our 1st visit to the treatment centre.we can start whenever we're 

                   ready.takde istilah cepat atau lambat sgt..

               3) take clomid

                   mcm biase 1st treatment yg doktor blh bg adalah clomid.en asben did ask the effect of taking 

                   clomid thenm said there are possibility of dapat anak kembar and also effect to mood swing yang 

                   tak menentu.part kembar ok..part mood swing tuh en asben paling takut!hehehe.

then, she scanned my tummy and everything was fine (during my 1st pregnancy, ada cyst).so we planned sementara we take clomid,myb we can start buat appointment with LPPKN sbb takut waiting list panjang sangat.

but,bile dah balik and buat kira2..during that time dah nak period.bile period buat kira2 untuk waktu subur plak.agak susah nak kira sebab period cycle tak tentu.kejap 36,kejap 40 hari.tp plus minus..ermmm..kena time en asben g german plak.dangg!last2 decide simpan clomid dlu..tunggu next period baru leh makan.

at the same time,LPPKN pun kitorang tak call...ntah nape tak gerak.maybe bile dh start mkn clomid baru excited balik kot..mudah2an..

daaa...